In which I battle the WordPress dragon

I took my vorpal sword in hand, and through the plug-ins went snicker-snack. Basically, I’m not receiving any email fairies from this site to tell me when comments have arrived – and no, the spam filter troll hasn’t gobbled them all up. So I was wondering, dearly beloved people, if you would mind leaving me a remark or two in response to this post to try and pinpoint which internet goblin, web ogre or virtual night hag is netting my emails.

I’m not even getting the genuine spam; this is serious.

In order to make your effort worth it, I offer up Monty Python again as an incentive.

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Praline: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I’ve got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show…

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable bird, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this bird wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Praline: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

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20 Responses to In which I battle the WordPress dragon

  1. Foz Meadows says:

    ’twas brillig, and the slithey toves
    did gyre and gimble in the wabe
    all mimsy were the borogroves
    and the mome raths outgrabe

  2. Ah, Python. What a lovely way to start the day 🙂

    • MaryV says:

      Innit? Though at this point, I’m so frustrated with WordPress that I’m considering giving it the title of Upper Class Twit of the Year. Still no emails! And logged out of my own site on a permanent basis – I have to be in dashboard mode to answer you guys without a captcha. Argh!

  3. Tyson says:

    They redid that skit on Saturday Night Live once a few years back. Didn’t get much laughs, but that was probably cuz everyone had seen it so many times. But it got enthusiastic applause in the end. I think the only change they made was that the Owner and Mr. Praline went off together at the end. As in a date. Like they were gay. Eh.

  4. Sue Fitz says:

    Innovation never happens as planned.

  5. Brendon says:

    Hmm, I had problems with my WordPress site and email a while back. In the end I had to get a few plugins installed to sort things out (gmail email needed authentication to send was the issue I think). Specifically I use the plugin WP-Mail-SMTP – http://www.callum-macdonald.com/code/wp-mail-smtp/

    • MaryV says:

      I’ll send your suggestion on to the site designer kindly helping me out. The confusing thing is that this problem did not occur on the other host site I tried. I was getting emails and I was permanently logged in as Admin. Now I’m thrown out half the time and don’t receive notifications (same email.) It’s all bad and wrong! In fact, ’tis brillig.

  6. maneyact says:

    So i’ve just found something that may be causing some issues. A simple change to 1 session may correct this whole dilemma. Let me know if you get this post via Email Mary.

    • MaryV says:

      ’m not getting comments via email yet, but I AM now logged in for the site, with ‘edit’ appearing on the pages and all! Not asked for a captcha! Hurrah!

      So emails. Why oh why oh why…

  7. Scott says:

    OK – So that last post was pointless as I was still logged in and as an administrator it showed up immediately. Trying again now i’m not logged in. Wahoo – There is Capture now as well.

    • MaryV says:

      still not getting emails. I’m in ‘edit’ mode for pages now, but there’s a new problem: most of my links have disappeared on the right hand side… 🙁

  8. maneyact says:

    Ok So you’ve now discovered another gremlin. I’m emailing separately.

  9. Tarran says:

    Oh no, damn those goblins!!!! On a more positive note, you are on my picks of the week list!!!! 😀

    • MaryV says:

      Yay for the picks! 🙂 Have you received ‘Samiha’ yet, by the way? Shouldn’t be much longer now…

      As to gremlins, they persist. I got no notification email for this comment on the other address, either. Argh!

  10. Tarran says:

    No not yet, should be Monday onwards we start recieving New Releases 😀

    *shakes fist at Gremlins!!!!*

  11. Gillian says:

    Il brilgue, et les toves lubricilleux, se gyre et gymble dans le guave…

    (I thought if you got that in an email you would know that the awry was no longer awry, and then spend three minutes on my typos and spelling errors)

    • MaryV says:

      Nope, it’s still not sending emails… Il me boude! Ce n’est pas juste.

      So, OK, I can see a new thing developing here: Lewis Carol by way of Chretien de Troyes. Through the looking glass, Languedoc style… Could be a whole new craze

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